As a little girl, I dreamed of the day that I would marry my prince, and I spent my nights curled under the covers thinking about the children we would have. When Bill asked me to marry him, all of those plans came rushing back to the top of my to-do list.
For our wedding recessional, the band played “Spring” by Vivaldi. Everything was fresh and new and all of my dreams were becoming reality, but now, ten years and four children later, I have come to a place in life that I never planned, never considered.
The season is changing.
The last decade of my life has been characterized by wedding planning, honeymooning, baby-making, and lactating. Suddenly, our last child is weaned and growing in her independence and my life has an unexpected void. I am still very busy with homemaking, blogging, and homeschooling, but something is different.
To say that I noticed the moment the shift happened would be a lie. Instead, I saw a few symptoms start to develop:
- I wanted to stay in bed longer and sleep even when I wasn’t tired.
- I cried more often. I was moody.
- I didn’t want to go anywhere. Home was a refuge.
- My waistline was expanding but not with new life.
- I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying.
Looks like a good, strong case of depression, right? So what triggered my emotional black hole? The season of my life is shifting from spring to summer.
Mourning at Morning
As the sun has risen on this new season, I have spent a great deal of time “contemplating” the spring of my life. Wait… let’s call it what it really is…
Wallowing in self-pity!
I’ve focused on my mistakes. My failures. What I had hoped for that never happened. The things I intended to do but never did.
What have these moments of dusty recollections and sour memories brought me? Nothing good.
Just because my children no longer need me the way they once did, my life is not over. So, I am turning to face the summer’s sun. I want to shake off my grave clothes and bask in the warmth of God’s love and His plan for me.
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
~ Psalm 30
How to Greet the Change
Resolutions have built within my heart. I refuse to believe the lie that my mistakes will determine my future. I refuse to believe the lie that I cannot change. I refuse to believe the lie that I have caused some type of cataclysmic damage to my children that cannot be repaired.
God is not finished with me yet.
So, I plan to move forward and embrace the rewards of summer time. That is what summer is, right? A reward for hard work.
During the summer of my life, I plan to:
- Get a break and take some time to rest. The weeks upon weeks of sleepless nights while a newborn cries for attention are over. I can get a little more sleep.
- Rebuild my identity. I will turn back to my First Love, my Lord, and spend time daily in His presence. I am not what the voice in my head say I am.
- Continue educating my children so they will know what they believe and why they believe it. They need a strong foundation in order to survive when the season’s change in their own lives.
- Prepare for fall. Our parents are aging. Very soon, they will need us more than ever. We need to be getting our affairs in order so that we can be more available to them.
What season are you in? How can I pray for you?
This post is linked with love at The Homeschool Mom’s Journal on the iHomeschool Network.
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