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When it came time for babies, I knew food needed to have a more balanced part of my life, but as depression clawed at me, I seemed to eat even more.
After only six months of marriage, my husband and I decided to start our journey to become parents. Since we were in our late 20’s/early 30’s, I felt pressured by the ticking fertility clock in my mind. Imagine my surprise when my gynecologist told me that it would be practically impossible for me to have children due to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Before starting me on rounds of medication, she wanted us to have my husband’s fertility checked.
Sitting across from his doctor, the news was grim. My husband would not be able to father children without help, but the doctor pointed to me and said, “There is no need for us to work on you until her problems are fixed.”
Every round of Clomid brought on new cravings and new weight gain. Each following visit from Aunt Flo brought tremendous depression and more cravings. When my weight topped 221 pounds, I told me doctor that I needed a break. She said that we could take a cycle off and if I wanted, I could have another test done in a couple of months.
As weeks upon weeks passed, I dutifully charted my cycle according to the information in the book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I noticed that I had ovulated but Aunt Flo did not come. After riding this infertility roller coaster for so long, I sat on our bed and begged God to just let me start a period. The following day, I spotted but nothing significant happened. Early the next morning, I woke and decided to take a pregnancy test.
During the first trimester, our little family went through an extremely stressful financial disaster. The doctor placed me on progesterone because of slight spotting. Even so, I gained very little weight, and after Lira’s birth was able to quickly return to 221 pounds by breastfeeding.
Being a mom was more stressful than I ever imagined and my depression was severe. When Lira reached about ten months old, I sought help for my raging emotions and was placed on Zoloft. With the medication in my system, life seemed settled as did my temper.
I was able to maintain my weight at 221 pounds for a few years, but I still knew that food owned me and I slowly made the connection between my weight and my spiritual needs.
The Lord’s Table
After the birth and weaning of our second child, I started a free study by Setting Captive’s Free called, “Lord’s Table.” I was tracking my food and gaining spiritual perspective on my eating habits. During the commercials of my favorite shows, I would job in circles around the house. I was feeling awesome and even went back to the same church where I was wounded (the pastor had moved on) and began serving in the children’s ministry again.
Then, we got a shocker. I was pregnant. We were not trying to get pregnant. Didn’t know that we COULD get pregnant without medication. We were thrilled, but the pregnancy was difficult and I spent a lot of time on the couch and gained weight.
Upon Ruble’s birth, I weighed more than I ever had at 230 pounds, but he weighed just under 10 pounds and that made me feel justified in my weight gain. However, I never lost the “baby” weight even though I never planned to have another child. My motivation seemed to be gone and in its place was an extreme amount of guilt brought on by the Lord’s Table study. I felt that my food problem was now a sin problem, and thought that if I was unwilling to change I was pushing God away. The guilt made me eat more. Food was becoming my first love again.
We learned that I was pregnant again – SURPRISE AGAIN! – and I rationalized that I could eat anything (and everything) I wanted. My weight steadily increased, and at delivery, I weighed about 245 pounds. Unlike previous pregnancies, my weight did not budge after giving birth to Ariary. It was as if she had weighed nothing (when she actually weight almost 10 pounds).
But the strangest thing happened when my neck began to swell… The weight suddenly started falling off.
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