As a little girl, I dreamed of the day that I would marry my prince, and I spent my nights curled under the covers thinking about the children we would have. When Bill asked me to marry him, all of those plans came rushing back to the top of my to-do list.
For our wedding recessional, the band played “Spring” by Vivaldi. Everything was fresh and new and all of my dreams were becoming reality, but now, ten years and four children later, I have come to a place in life that I never planned, never considered.
The season is changing.
The last decade of my life has been characterized by wedding planning, honeymooning, baby-making, and lactating. Suddenly, our last child is weaned and growing in her independence and my life has an unexpected void. I am still very busy with homemaking, blogging, and homeschooling, but something is different.
To say that I noticed the moment the shift happened would be a lie. Instead, I saw a few symptoms start to develop:
- I wanted to stay in bed longer and sleep even when I wasn’t tired.
- I cried more often. I was moody.
- I didn’t want to go anywhere. Home was a refuge.
- My waistline was expanding but not with new life.
- I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying.
Looks like a good, strong case of depression, right? So what triggered my emotional black hole? The season of my life is shifting from spring to summer.
Mourning at Morning
As the sun has risen on this new season, I have spent a great deal of time “contemplating” the spring of my life. Wait… let’s call it what it really is…
Wallowing in self-pity!
I’ve focused on my mistakes. My failures. What I had hoped for that never happened. The things I intended to do but never did.
What have these moments of dusty recollections and sour memories brought me? Nothing good.
Just because my children no longer need me the way they once did, my life is not over. So, I am turning to face the summer’s sun. I want to shake off my grave clothes and bask in the warmth of God’s love and His plan for me.
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.~ Psalm 30
How to Greet the Change
Resolutions have built within my heart. I refuse to believe the lie that my mistakes will determine my future. I refuse to believe the lie that I cannot change. I refuse to believe the lie that I have caused some type of cataclysmic damage to my children that cannot be repaired.
God is not finished with me yet.
So, I plan to move forward and embrace the rewards of summer time. That is what summer is, right? A reward for hard work.
During the summer of my life, I plan to:
- Get a break and take some time to rest. The weeks upon weeks of sleepless nights while a newborn cries for attention are over. I can get a little more sleep.
- Rebuild my identity. I will turn back to my First Love, my Lord, and spend time daily in His presence. I am not what the voice in my head say I am.
- Continue educating my children so they will know what they believe and why they believe it. They need a strong foundation in order to survive when the season’s change in their own lives.
- Prepare for fall. Our parents are aging. Very soon, they will need us more than ever. We need to be getting our affairs in order so that we can be more available to them.
What season are you in? How can I pray for you?
This post is linked with love at The Homeschool Mom’s Journal on the iHomeschool Network.
Marsha says
I think you read my mind! I’ve seemed to be going through this too. I feel as if I’ve failed so much, but then it seems the Lord gives me encouragement. I miss those baby days when they “needed” me so much, but I am thankful that they are growing up so happy. There will be no more babies in our house, so its time to do like you said. Spend more time with my First Love and let Him direct what I need to do for the kids now. Its different, but they still need us! We just have to learn how they need us. Thanks for sharing your heart on here!
Penny says
Yes, they still need us and I actually enjoy some of the differences. I like being able to talk to the older children in a normal tone without having to baby talk. It is refreshing… if I could only get them to respond. LOL
VIcki Harris says
I don’t know what season I am in but I hope it ends soon…..my son is now a teenager and I long for my sweet child back….he hit 9th grade and lost his mind and now I’m losing mine…..I just keep saying “this too shall pass” and “that which does not kill us makes us strong”…..”yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” comes to mind often……it is a frustrating time for both of us and I just hope and pray we get through it……I know it’s wrong but I find myself jealous of my friends, most of whom already have grown kids…I didn’t plan to have a child, however, apparently God had other plans so at age 38, afer living the high life for so long, bam, here he is…..ADHD is killing both of us but I would take a bullet for him so I just love him through it and thankfully I have friends who are patient and listen when I need to vent and offer encouragement and much support…..having a bestie who does Reike helps as does plenty of harmony house spray….
Penny says
{{HUGS}} to you, Vicki. I have heard that the teenage years can be very tough. My mother often says that I went to bed a sweet 12 year old and woke up a mean 13 year old.
I am not a huge advocate for medication but I have to admit that medication has helped Bill with his ADHD. He was diagnosed only a few months ago but I can see a tremendous change in his ability to concentrate and comprehend what I am saying. I still have to ask him to look at me when I am speaking and that helps too.
Just keep breathing. 🙂
Amber @ Classic Housewife says
Nicely written. I had Vivaldi at my wedding, too. =)
Penny says
Thank you, Amber. I think the hardest part was admitting that I am shifting into a different stage in my life.
Rebekah says
Thank you so much for your encouragement! The child-bearing years have been difficult and hectic for me as well. But as you say, it’s just one season of life. God is good through it all!