In retrospect, I think I have always been depressed. As a child in elementary school, I always felt like I was alone and had few close friends. By high school, I was a strict Type A personality and scared most people away. But, right in the middle of those sensitive seasons was when I can see that I had a problem with depression.
Beginning in the sixth grade, I experimented with bulimia and even threatened to commit suicide a few times. When I realized that I was too cowardly to take my own life, I started trying to hurt myself and succeeded in breaking my arm a couple of times by beating it against a door frame.
The turmoil was great and I do not think anyone around me completely understood what was wrong. Inside, my thoughts were a jumbled mess. Of course, as I have grown older, I can see things that I did not previously notice about myself and I have learned more about depression and how it can be treated.
Being a Depressed Mom
I’ve always had mood swings and I have shared with you about my struggle with anger management in my early parenting years. However, I honestly believe part of my anger was as a result of chronic depression.
After the birth of our second child, I thought I was developing post partum depression – I probably was – and was placed on antidepressant medication. Now, seven years later, the Zoloft still resides on my nightstand.
I have tried to stop taking Zoloft. More than once. Most recently, it was in January.
Despite being at my highest dose of Zoloft ever, I decided to wean myself off of Zoloft by cutting the pills in half. No doctor. No advice. Just taking 50 mg per day for one week and then I was done. The weaning process should take months, but I was determined. Bad move.
Cold turkey off anti-depressants
The first week without Zoloft was a breeze. In moments when I felt stressed, I would leave the room and relax or rub down with essential oils. I was so proud of myself and even reported to my mother that despite being incredibly weepy, I was fine and excited to be free of needing a bottle to make me happy.
As the calendar turned to the second week, life got tougher. I was frustrated and overwhelmed. I could not seem to think straight and was crying over stupid stuff. I wanted to sleep all the time. And then, the evening when I snapped at Bill, my husband, about something so stupid. And he snapped back. And we fought for the first time in a long time.
I ended up in the bedroom while he went to the living room and debated with himself about why I was acting so strangely. Meanwhile, seated on our bed, I began to think about how easy their life would be without me. Bill could easily remarry because he is an awesome husband and father. I could just kill myself and that would be the end of the struggle.
Wait… what?
Suicidal thoughts creep in
I believe that every suicide starts with one tiny thought, and from there, it grows. Unless quickly eradicated from the mind, one thought turns to two… and then a conversation… and then a plan. I’ve been down that path before, over 25 years ago, and a warning bell went off in my head.
Bill came to our bedroom to apologize and I blurted out, “I’m having suicidal thoughts.” We debated over whether or not I should call the doctor right away but out of fear they would refer me to the emergency room… and then a mental institution… we decided that I would call in the morning.
Bright and early, my doctor wired a prescription to our pharmacy and on our way out to dinner, we picked it up. There in the soft ambiance of our favorite restaurant, I gleefully swallowed the first antidepressant pill I had put in my body in over two weeks. I warned my sweet husband that it might take several days to get back into my system, but by the next afternoon, I felt better already.
I feel awkward admitting to other Christians that I have a problem with depression because, after all, the joy of the Lord is our strength. But my joy comes with a little white label: Zoloft (Sertraline) 100mg. One of my friends explained it to me this way… If a diabetic decided to stop taking her medication, what would happen? Then, how can I deprive myself of what my body needs and expect a different result?
Accepting what God gives you
Why do I suffer from chronic depression that needs to be treated with medication? I have no idea. Was it something my mother ate while pregnant with me or something her mother ate when pregnant with her? Is it something in the air I breathe? Is it a chemical in my fabric softener. Truly. I don’t think we will ever know.
All I can say for certain is that I am depressed. And I am accepting that.
I need medication. I am no longer fighting that.
Perhaps, maybe…
God has allowed me to suffer with chronic depression for today, when after three years of spilling my life out into the blogosphere, I have suddenly shared with you that I battle depression.
What if this burden I have carried for so long is because someone out there needed to know that they are not alone?
Could it be that they needed to know that depression happens to good people, to great moms, and sometimes, we just need some help?
Why? What if? Could it be?
I get this. I live this. Thank you.
I feel you, although mine took a different route. My struggles are with depression, anxiety, ADHD and undiagnosed insomnia. I too tossed the idea of suicide around when I was younger but it was never a thought I could personally take seriously because I didn’t have it in me to hurt those that I cared about. I preferred to try to disappear into the shadows and stop existing entirely. I’ve been hospitalized and in the past made many questionable decisions because of it. And for me personally, the medications didn’t ever help; they just made everything worse. I experienced a fair amount of side effects and withdrawl symptoms (having forgotten a pill one day…..and then another down the road…) For me it’s been a lot of finding the right people for my life and trying really hard to communicate (which I desperately struggle with) but sometimes my months are filled with ups and downs as well.
Your body needs what it needs. Your mind is beautiful. I believe we’re given our battles because it helps shape us into what we need to be. I may never make it big as a writer, or writing my comics, but my ailments have allowed me to be extremely empathetic and my lack of verbalizing has given me a way with words. My helplessness in my youth often came out in my artwork. I learned to be creative with my weaknesses; In some cases I’ve even learned to find beauty in the drab, grey monotonous world as long as I’m equipped with a pencil and paper.
Keep on doing the wonderful work.
Thank you for sharing. I am a single, homeschooling Mom of three, one with disabilities. My depression and anxiety increased with the birth of my third child. I love all the homeschool families that we are associated with but it is very difficult sometimes being the only single parent in the group. I have been on the same medication for so long that I do believe it is time for a change but I currently have no health insurance. I do not want to burden you with MY personal issues, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for letting this homeschool Mom know that she is not alone. God bless.
I applaud you for taking charge! In our culture, it is very difficult to speak about mental illness. You’re absolutely right in your analogy — you’d never tell a diabetic to just “Snap out of it!” or someone who needed stitches to “Buck up!”
Thank you for posting this. I’ve struggled or am struggling with all of that. And like Rose said above, my depression has helped me to be very empathetic which is something I wouldn’t trade even if I could.
I use the diabetic comparison a lot. My husband is diabetic. My brain needs meds just like his body. Depression sucks in more than one way. I’ve tried getting off the meds but I obviously need them.
I feel your pain. My mom has to take pills or else she gets ” to happy”. I will love my mother forever because she is a loveable person but when she doesn’t take her pills she is so different. She never hurt me or yelled at me she just did things that normal people don’t do. I was never embarrassed with what my mom did. I just took it as my mom is going through a problem with her life. Sometimes she would go to a mental hospital and I would have to go. That is the only time I got scared and knew that my mom was special, not like my friend’s mommies. I still loved her. I love her so much now. She’s my world.
One thing I have to say as a kid that grew up with a mother with a mental illness is TAKE YOUR MEDS I mean it. Don’t belittle yourselves because you have to take your pills. You need them. My mom tried it too. She failed so will you. Please as a kid of a hospital mental patient. Do your family a favor and take your pills. Don’t try to get off your pills you need them. Your not a druggy. Trust me please.
Thank you Tammy. Your life lesson for me helps with my decision to continue on meds.
Dear Tabitha,
I am so glad you shared this, I am in the same situation right now, I am very depressed , have been for some time, Started in 2006 when I found out my daughter has HIV and she was pregnant, and it just spiraled downward since, 2009 I left my husband of 28 now 32 years, due to years of mental, emotion and physical abuse. Now I am not homeschooling after 27 yrs, and my children have all turned against me. All of them!!! And it is a mess. I pray and pray, I have no friends or church where I live, I have contemplated suicide many times, more now than ever. I can’t take it any longer, Ive been reaching out no one wants to help me….Oh just pray and trust God they say…..Well that’s not helping me anymore, I do pray and cry and think everyone would be better off without me. I can’t go into my personal life on here but all the trauma I have dealt with the past few years has taken a big toll on my life. Please pray for me…I need help!!!!
Robyn, please see a doctor before your emotional health. Medication doesn’t have to be a lifelong prescription if you do not have a chronic problem but it can help you get past difficult times. I am praying for you.
Thank you. I’ve been deeply depressed since moving, again, in December. And, like you, I decided to get back on anti-depressants. Immediately one of my closest friends questioned my decision, saying that it would alter my body , etc etc. But the fact is, I feel NORMAL on the medication. I feel right. Okay. Happy. So how does it make sense to go without medication that helps me? If I had high blood pressure, I would treat it, and not just suffer though the symptoms, allowing things to get worse. How is this different? Most importantly, depression doesn’t just affect me, it affects my family. If pills help us ALL, I’ll happily take the pills.
I have dealt with depression since I was 17 yrs old. I also take antidepressants. It took a long time for me to admit I needed meds. Once I started taking them though, I wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner. I also deal with anxiety. So with my depression, I’d want to sleep all the time, but I’d be so anxious that I couldn’t. I am so thankful for antidepressants because they help me so much. Thanks for sharing your story!
Thanks for sharing your story, Tabitha. I could have written this post.
Praying for you, with understanding. <3
Thank you for sharing. I struggle with depression. I am on medication. I can’t say it makes me “feel happy” but it certainly blunts the negatives and raises the baseline.
I always wonder, do other depressed people feel happy on their meds? That’s what (ignorant) people say, “medicine to be happy,” but it’s not that, is it? It’s more like it thins out the dark clouds so some light can get in. It’s up to us to do the rest – just like everyone has to deal with their own issues and bad days and find their own joy in life. The meds make it possible, but aren’t “Happiness in a Bottle.”
Anyway, thanks for sharing. Very few people know about my struggle because there IS a major stigma. Having kids, I realized that everyone feels entitled to tell anyone how they are “doing it wrong” be it raising kids, feeding kids, being pregnant (how can one do that wrong??), or whatever. No need to give people an opening to a sensitive area, right?
“thins out the dark clouds so some light can get in..” — exactly. That beautiful comment made me want to get back on my medication. Probably should.
Getting back on my medication was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I would LOVE to live a life without meds, but not if it causes me to not enjoy life… or even to lose my fight against the darkness.
Thank you for being so open and sharing your story. Brave indeed. God bless.
Hi Vicky. I’m sorry but as stated: *Limited time offer. After June 30, 2014, this audio lesson will be moved to the Premium Content Members Library.
Thank you Tabitha for your honest and personal story. You are an encouragement to so many others dealing with these same struggles. Beautifully written!
This is me. My life; only difference I never received help…I never asked for it. Thoughts are getting worst but I’m determined to get help. Simply thank you.
Shuntrell, please contact a doctor. Your life is valuable and you deserve attention. Never be afraid to ask for help.
Thank you for sharing your struggle. I, too, have been there. My arrangements were planned, letters written, pills thrown away. I’m currently unmedicated as the pills make life insufferably bland. I’ll be praying for everyone here, and ask that you would pray for me, too. Remember, you are loved.
I am so glad to have come across your post on pinterest. I too suffer from major depression/anxiety disorder and I was hospitalized last year for 8 days because it all came to a head and became way too much. I felt like you did, my husband would fine someone better who wasn’t ill in the head, my children wouldn’t go thru seeing your mom suffer (making all kinds of excuses) I am on medication which I sometimes try to stop and have the same outcome – not good results. I have gone thru classes, go to my phsychiatrist for medication and follow up with a therapist but I still have thoughts… I hate it and wish why can’t I be normal. I have a strong faith in God and know their has to be a reason for all of this, I may not know why but he does.
Depression has been a struggle for me my entire life. I have been on so many different medications, I have lost count. I have been hospitalized three times but not in the last 15 years. The medication I am on currently doesn’t seem to be helping and I am toying with the idea of weaning myself off of it. I hate being on meds. I hate how they make me gain weight which just makes me hate myself even more. I find myself alone a lot now. I’ve never had many friends and that is still true. We moved last year and left the few friends I had. People just don’t understand how debilitating depression is. I wish I didn’t get it.