meanPorn addiction. Over the last year, I have seen many men who profess to be Christians succumb to sexual temptation as a result of pornography addiction, and I understand the shock their wives feel very well… because I remember the day my marriage changed.
As I read Josh Duggar’s admission of porn addiction and infidelity to his wife, I thought I heard a collective sigh from Christian men everywhere. The sound was a mixture of relief, regret, and rapport. Why? Because among married Christian men, 55% look at pornography at least monthly and 35% had an extra-marital sexual affair while married. [SOURCE]
Married. Christian. Men.
This means when you glance around during your next church visit, every other married man you see has viewed pornographic material within the last 30 days… and it could be the man seated next to you… your husband.
How can they be so trapped by pictures? Movies? Can’t guys tell the real world from fiction?
What seems obvious to women seems to elude men, but the reality is that pornography is a severe addiction. Once you understand how God wired the mind of a man and see the prevalence of skin in our society, it is easier to see how difficult it is to overcome. (I recommend reading For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
But I want to testify that God can heal your marriage through this exceedingly painful problem. My husband and I are proof.
Please note: My husband gave me his permission YEARS ago to share our story, but I was reluctant. He is completely aware that I have written this post, and I have his full blessing to share what was a difficult chapter in our marriage with you.
Our goal is not to cast blame but to give hope.
God is not shocked. He still has a plan for your marriage.
The night my marriage changed forever
I was working in the evenings as a direct sales consultant for a major company, providing home parties for family and friends, in order to supplement our income so I could stay home with our toddler girl and baby boy.
One night, I was putting party information into our computer and the system was giving me problems. Pop up ads. Blue screen of death. Issue after dreaded technical issue.
As I complained to my husband about the computer having some kind of virus, his face fell.
“I need to tell you something.”
The look on his face told me that everything I thought about our marriage was about to change drastically.
“Do you remember how you asked me when we were first married if I had ever struggled with a pornography problem and I said, ‘no’? Well… I lied. I was and I still am addicted to porn.”
I struggled for air. I knew my husband had been promiscuous prior to meeting me but somehow that did not matter, and this hurt very deeply.
I’m not sure what happened immediately after he spoke those words. As a matter of fact, the next thing I remember is sitting on the floor in the bathroom sobbing with my husband on the opposite side of the door pleading with me to come out.
After he was in bed, I slid under the covers but hugged the edge. I wanted as much space between us as possible. With a puddle of tears on my pillow, I slept wishing I would wake from this terrible dream.
When your husband confesses a porn addiction
When my husband told me about his addiction to pornography, I blamed… myself.
As someone who has always struggled with self esteem, I felt the sting of self-reproach. This had to be because I was not good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough to keep my husband’s attention… Or so I believed.
I also felt like my marriage had been violated… because it has been… and spent a week in shock. I needed help understanding why this was not my fault.
Once I felt like I could talk to him again, we visited a Christian counselor together and alone.
The counselor was the first to tell me how prevalent pornography is among Christian men. She encouraged me to read Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin
As we struggled to adjust to this painful reality, I felt the weight of a tremendous decision.
Leave him. Or stay.
While I know that every woman’s journey through this decision is different, I chose to stay with my husband, giving him the opportunity to recover, and I was blessed with a truly repentant man.
Helpful steps for overcoming pornography in marriage
Our marriage did recover from my husband’s sexual sin but it took work from both of us.
My husband attended Celebrate Recovery meetings at a local church. He was surprised to find that these meetings were not filled with criminals and a hodgepodge of misfits but pastors, teachers, and ordinary people who were struggling and wanted to change.
He also took free courses through Setting Captives Free about sexual purity.
We blocked pornography on our computer using Covenant Eyes and moved the computer from the bedroom to the kitchen, the center of our home.
Both of us continued to study our Bibles, pray together, and read other books to help our understanding of one another and God’s intentions for our marriage. Some of these books included:
For Men Only, Revised and Updated Edition: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women
For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
In her landmark bestseller, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals what every woman—single or married—needs to know. Based on rigorous research with thousands of men, Shaunti delivers one eye-opening revelation after another, including:
• Why your respect means more to him than your love.
• How he feels deep inside about his role as provider.
• What it means for a man to be so visually “wired.”
• Why sex for him is primarily emotional, not physical.
• What he most wishes he could say to you.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
I will be completely honest, our intimate time together was very difficult for a while. I struggled to enjoy the moment because I wondered about what (or who) he was thinking. He struggled to enjoy our intimacy because I was obviously anxious. But, we kept trying and eventually recovered our passion for one another.
If your husband refuses to give up pornography
I was very blessed because my husband was repentant. He truly wanted our marriage to survive and to surrender his sexual sin to God. But, I am very aware of the number of Christian men who refuse to accept that 1) pornography is a sin and 2) pornography has no place in marriage.
Giving you advice is hard because I have never walked in your shoes. I can imagine the frustration, but beyond that, I can only come along-side you and pray. Pray. Pray. Pray.
Pray for wisdom. Pray that God would crack open his heart. Pray for a miracle.
I have watched friends divorce over a stubborn man clinging to his sexual sin, and my heart breaks because I know that restoration is possible. However, if the husband refuses to change and/or the wife refuses to forgive, the marriage is doomed.
My only caution would be to NOT act in haste. Seek wise counsel. And pray some more.
And if you think this cannot happen in your marriage
I can see some of you sitting there, shaking your head and saying, “But these incidents are because the men are not TRUE Christians. My husband is a born-again Christian so we are safe.”
First of all, I know my husband was only able to recover from porn addiction because of his relationship with Christ as his Savior. His sin was not a result of a lack of faith but because of an abundance of flesh… the same struggle I have with food.
Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.
Never think your marriage is completely protected from sexual sin. Consider these statistics from a survey of men whom identify themselves as born-again Christians:
- 95% admit that they have viewed pornography;
- 54% look at pornography at least once a month;
- 44% viewed pornography at work in the last 90 days;
- 31% had a sexual affair while married;
- 25% erase Internet browsing history to conceal pornography use; and
- 18% admit being addicted to pornography (and another 9% think they may be).
[SOURCE]
Our marriage today
My husband and I have overcome what many couples cannot survive. Does that make us better than others? No. But it does make us sensitive to one another’s needs and more accountable for our inner thoughts.
While he often averts his eyes before a caution is needed, I am quick to warn my husband to look away when a scantily clad woman walks by or appears on television. (Don’t even get me started about Hardees and Victoria’s Secret commercials!)
And we talk. Often. I will ask him if there have been any problems with his addiction and so far, he has completely recovered. But we are very aware that Satan prowls, wanting nothing more than the demise of our marriage, our family, and our faith.
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.
Where ever you place in this journey, I know that if you are in pain if you have read this far. Please know that my husband and I are praying for you and your spouse. Recovery is possible but not easy.
May God receive all the honor and glory because He has done GREAT things.
More help for marriage
Our journey through love, marriage and attention deficit disorder
While I am not a fan of porn for many of the reasons mentioned in your post, I do feel like it’s important to share that porn itself is not addictive. There is a wonderful TedX talk about what really causes addiction and it is not what we think…not heroin, not alcohol, not porn. It is the lack of connection that drives people to end up addicted to whatever they choose as their drug of choice. I’m confused as to why your husband would need to look away or be cautioned if he is completely recovered. Again, I’m not a huge fan of porn and if it isn’t hidden, if it isn’t excessive and doesn’t take away from a relationship…then I don’t see it as a problem. Having to police my husband…that would be another story. I have a strict rule about that one…women have to choose whether they want to be a mother or a lover cuz you can’t be both.
As I mentioned, you really must understand how the male mind is wired. 🙂
I absolutely understand how the male mind is wired. Understanding that is key to my having a successful, loving relationship. There was a time in my life where I didn’t believe that was possible and, because of the work I’ve done, I now have that in my life. Treating a man like a child will never create a space where true intimacy and love can be found. Telling him he can’t be trusted through actions like policing his behavior and where he looks, absolutely creates a breakdown in the relationship that cannot be repaired unless you begin to trust him, the action stops and things change. It can’t by its very nature. Trust is a vital component to a healthy relationship and those actions absolutely say, “you can’t be trusted…I don’t trust you.” That’s all I’m really saying here.
Thank you so much Michele. I totally agree with you. I find it disgusting how Christianity seeks to repress the natural desire of men. This article even makes reference to Josh Duggar who grew up in a fundamentalist home that pretty much beats this nonsense into their children’s brains. Because of such perversion as to deny natural sexual expression, desire, and NEED their consciences are broken 1 Tim 4:2. Because of this NOTHING is good to them Titus 1:15 and everything about sex is dirty, disgusting and evil.
If appreciating woman’s beauty is so evil, then why did God place breasts so close to the face? Why didn’t he place it elsewhere, maybe closer to her stomach? If masturbation is evil, why did God put our sexual organs within easy reach? Why does he instill in us sexual desire and expression at puberty rather than stall it for later?
Christianity perverts sexuality, the more strict it is, the more perverse a person’s sexuality becomes.
Yes, Travis, If men are not capable of controlling themselves, I would have to wonder how so many men manage to live in cultures where nudity is part of daily life and they don’t walk around aroused or taking advantage of women there. And I still go back to how important trust is in a relationship…
Hey Michele. I saw that TEDx talk as well, and it was very good—I don’t disagree with some of Johann Hari’s basic assertions. However, to say one cannot be addicted to porn is clearly false.
To say “I am addicted to porn” is simply to state your relationship to the material—regardless of the actual cause or underlying problems. To say “porn is addictive” is to say something about the nature of pornography itself, which is a completely different question. I don’t see Penny saying anything here in her article that is untrue.
Thank you for sharing this. My husband has also struggled with a porn addiction. This is something that is often swept under the rug and not talked about in Christian circles so I believe it’s very reassuring to be able to connect with other couples who may have been through the same trials and battles and to see that those couples have survived through the hard times.
Thank you for the encouragement, Crystal. I agree that it is ignored in churches and Christian communities way too often, making wives feel even lonelier. It’s very sad.
We’ve had a brush with this in our marriage as well, although nothing huge. I feel so badly for Anna. I want to bring her to my home and hug her. This has to be SO hard and then to know that EVERYONE knows and to know you have 4 mouths to feed and a husband who’s….. So, so, sad for her. 🙁 Sad for their whole family. 🙁
And didn’t she just give birth this week? How horrid. I cannot imagine the stress.
I will also say that I brought my 15 year old son to the computer and showed him the article, I showed him the family that Josh decided wasn’t worth it and encouraged him to have a long range in mind when he makes choices. I think you have to make it SUPER open with kids these days. He may have wanted to die while I was showing it to him, I’m glad he heard it from me.
Good for you! We have to protect the hearts and minds of our boys. Ultimately, I know this is their battle and they will make their own choices, but they should at least be prepared.
I have a really hard time being compassionate about this topic and it’s going to come through here. What is seems to me is that in the Christian circles there is too much compassion and grace with this. I know that might sound “unbiblical” but it’s not. How in the world do people expect to truly recover from sin when it’s treated like an AA membership? “Hello, my name is ____ and I’m a porn addict.” It’s like we have been duped by the enemy to focus so much on the problem that we forget that there is victory when one walks in the Spirit. I don’t really want to hear the excuse that “men are wired differently.” Of course they are. He (God) created them male and female. But, what happened to men who desire righteousness? What about Joseph? He was being seduced by Potifer’s wife and he still stayed righteous for the sake of serving God and walking blameless. David committed two very serious sins and suffered for it. I think it’s called consequence. Not that I’m advocating that all couples should divorce because of this issue, but maybe men should be taught more on how to love their wives. Maybe they should be taught righteousness rather than simply “loving Jesus.” Proclaiming that men are wired differently seems to be just a cop-out. “Oh, I’m a man and I’m wired to lust after things I see with my eyes.” Give me a break. If you haven’t guessed yet, yes I’ve had this issue in my house, too. But, instead of my husband desiring to fulfill my needs so I will want to be intimate, he chooses to walk contrary to ways in which to heal our marriage. I’m happy that you and your husband have found some peace in your marriage, but I won’t make excuses for this behavior as some of the books listed above have done.
Christina, I am so sorry your husband has hurt you. I did not intend to make the wiring of a man’s brain an excuse. No. That would be like saying “because of grace, we can live any way we want.” Absolutely not. Romans 6 answers that. The books we have read simply explain how a man’s mind catalogs images and how they can call up an image at any time. That is why there is a constant battle, but a battle they must continue to fight.
I am confused by this so I have to ask…I always appreciate insight…if a man’s brain catalogs images and they can then call up an image at any time, why would they ever have to look at porn more than once? Or look at another woman ever? Couldn’t they just retrieve those images already in their head if they wanted to “see” that? Am I understanding you correctly?
Penny I think it is incredibly brave of you to share something so personal and devastating. Regardless of how a person identifies religiously, everyone makes mistakes of some sort and forgiveness is something we all have to do at some point in a marriage. (Though it is absolutely true that the person you are trying to forgive has to actually want to make a positive change.) I definitely have “deal breakers,” but marriage is a commitment to another person, a person that won’t ever be perfect, so it is all about forgiving and working together to build a better union (and become better individuals in the process!) Thank you for sharing!