In just one month, we had three friends and/or family members pass away, one of whom was Bill’s grandmother. We struggled with whether or not our children should attend the funeral, especially since the line between reality and fantasy is sometimes blurred in Lira’s autistic world. However, after seeking the insight of friends and praying about it, we decided to allow the children to attend the visitation before the funeral service. PennyMom agreed to take the children home with her after she paid her respects to Bill’s family.
Before, during, and even now, our children have questions:
Where did Mamaw go?
Will we see her again?
Can we go to heaven too?
Will she come back?
I think it is extremely important to be as honest as possible with our children. So, Bill and I did our best to answer their questions in a simple and straight-forward way.
Here are some tips for talking to our children about death that we found helpful:
Know what you believe about death.
Bill and I are very firm in our Christian faith. We know that when this life is over, our eternity with Christ has just begun. If you are not certain of what you believe, then it will be difficult for you to share that with your child which might cause them to be doubtful or confused.
Prepare your child in advance if you know that death is coming.
Mamaw was sick for a long time. During the months prior to her passing, we were able to talk to the children about how ill she was and how she needed a lot of care in the hospital. We began to plant the idea that Mamaw would soon go to be with Jesus but did not go into any great descriptions or explanations.
Explain that it is okay to be sad and to cry.
Especially since the children were going to be attending part of the funeral with us, we wanted them to understand that people were going to be sad. I was able to explain to them that Daddy was very sad too and that they might even see him cry. We talked about crying as a process. When we cry, it shows that we are sad on the inside.
Realize the conversation is never over.
Our belief in heaven did not make the conversation easier. For some reason, I thought it would. Nope. The children wanted specifics and we tried to talk it through. Once our initial conversation was over, they seemed to understand… however… the questions continued at odd times. So, be prepared for the conversation to pop up again at unexpected moments.
Be willing to admit when you don’t know the answers.
Even as we are solid in our faith in our Savior, Jesus Christ, there were some questions we just could not answer easily. The Bible is an amazing resource, and there are other books geared specifically towards children that seemed to help communicate what we were saying… or perhaps they just helped affirm to the children that what we were telling them was true. (Please be sure to proofread all books before reading them to your children.)
Look at pictures and share stories about the loved one who has passed.
We went through the old pictures and talked about what was happening in each one. Bill even opened up about his memories of Mamaw from his childhood. It was a very special time as he remembered various stories and then shared those with the children.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
If you notice that your child continues to struggle with grief, becomes withdrawn or angry, or expresses suicidal thoughts, please seek the help of a trained professional immediately.
Create a grief journal.
Another idea that was mentioned to us was to create a grieving journal or scrapbook. Fill it with photographs, poetry, songs, pictures and memories. You can work with your child or if you child is old enough, allow them to work on it alone.
Realize that grief is a process and it takes time to recover. Just as your child is struggling with this empty spot in his life, you are missing that loved one too. Be sure to take the time that you need to deal with your grief and do not rush the process.
This post is linked with love at the Mommy Club.
Thank you for linking this up in Mommy Solutions. Very thought provoking. I’m featuring you on my Facebook page today. Thanks again!
Thanks so much, Crystal. I appreciate the feature very much.
This is such wise advice!
Faith certainly does make it easier. I have a friend who was raised with no religion and is raising her kids with none, but her grandmother was Catholic. When her grandmother died, she not only had trouble explaining death to her kids but had trouble explaining the funeral service because they’d never been to any religious service and had barely heard the idea of God–lots to explain at once, and no comfort in it!
But you also have a good point that faith doesn’t answer all the questions or make everything better. I told my son that the one part we know for sure is that we can trust God to take care of us after we die. He was very comfortable in that idea. Still, the death of a family friend from hospital-acquired infection was a big thing for him to process; he repeatedly wanted to hear the whole story of how he’d died, and for a few weeks he told everyone about seeing the “empty” body in the casket.
You are absolutely right about preparing children for people’s sadness about the death. I neglected to do that, and my son was surprised and a little frightened when I cried at our friend’s funeral.
I’m sorry for the loss of your three loved ones.
How sad for your friend, Becca.
I’ve often been stunned when attending a funeral service for someone who had no religious beliefs. It makes life seem so hopeless to end with such finality. For someone who has no faith, death is just the end. All they have left is the memory. Memories are wonderful but I love the anticipation of seeing my loved ones again.