If you are coming here broken… If there are hurts in your past… You must be willing to embrace the beauty in your cracks to experience true healing.
Here we are… almost a full month into a new year, and if I am honest, I have been slow to implement my New Year Resolutions. They aren’t even difficult:
- Pray when rising and going to bed, giving Jesus the first and last words of my day.
- Flip any negative thoughts that cross my mind about my husband (i.e. “He didn’t take out the garbage AGAIN”) to positive thoughts (i.e. “I’m so thankful my husband shares household duties like garbage and laundry because other men don’t.)
- Smile more at my children while looking them in the eyes and listening (no matter how boring the story is.)
- Take more pictures of my family (and me with them.)
The truth is that I have been in a funk for the last two years.
I have always struggled with depression but this has been different.
We’ve experienced very difficult times and lost several loved ones. My inclination was to curl up in a ball and avoid risking anything (or anyone) that would hurt me more.
I was beyond feeling frayed. I was broken. Cracked in my most vulnerable places.
Then, a news segment on CBS Sunday Morning about kintsugi caught my eye because the artwork they featured was beautiful.
Broken ceramic pieces (that could easily be discarded with the trash) had become gorgeous, intricately detailed by the patient hand of an artisan who could see beyond a broken vase to something that still had incredible value.
I decided to do more research.
Then, just as I was about to forget about kintsugi, I saw it mentioned on the news again.
The Art of Kintsugi
Broken things are not tossed in Japan. Instead, ceramics are taken to artisans who transform broken bowls and plates into amazing works of art by repairing the pieces and filling the cracks using lacquer dusted with gold pigments.
But, it was the philosophy behind the art that truly gripped my heart.
Breaks and repairs are a part of the history of each object. By filling the cracks with gold, the broken areas become a source of beauty and where the real value is found.
This theory… This restoration… It’s what I needed to create something beautiful where the previous two years had left me cracked and broken.
So I purchased some gold powder and had a private ceremony with just me and God.
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3
STEP ONE: Break Something
Because I didn’t have any broken pottery, I needed to break something.
On this plain, white plate, I wrote the year 2017 as a symbol of the last two years in which my family has struggled.
As I wrote the numbers, I was talking to God about His purposes for our sufferings and praising Him for bringing us through each difficult circumstance:
- The deaths of 4 loved ones in six months
- Loss of income despite tremendous efforts
- Increase in debt because of slipping into old habits
- Betrayal and learning that friendships were built under false pretenses
- Feelings of abandonment from our church during a time of stifling grief
- Illness, weight gain, and Diabetes
- Feeling like God was ignoring me
I imagined all of these issues wrapped up in the plate I held in my hands.
Each pain. Each offense. Every struggle. All the bad days. In a round ceramic plate.
And I dropped it.
The plate crashed against the floor louder than I had intended, causing me to startle, but it was a refreshing change to the stark silence I had felt in my soul when I thought God had withdrawn from me.
No, the Lord is very present and has walked me through each of these valleys with a purpose still unknown to me.
STEP TWO: Glue it back together
As I gathered the large pieces of the broken plate, I noticed many small fragments scattered on the floor. That made me frustrated.
Why couldn’t the plate break cleanly down the middle so I had less work to do? I mean, this was going to be time-consuming enough. I needed shortcuts.
So, I dismissed them, thinking they would be inconsequential to putting the plate together again.
I was wrong.
With super glue running between my fingers, I quickly realized I was making a mess because of a few missing, tiny pieces.
Neither was I giving the glue time to work. Rushing to restore the plate, I was not waiting for the glue to dry before attempting to press another piece in place.
As the plate continued to crumble over and over again, the Lord spoke clearly to my spirit, “This is not a project to be rushed. Healing takes time. Some of the pieces are small and require extra effort. The larger pieces have more contact area and need time to rest before trying to hold the others together. See how this is just like you?”
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:25-26
How many times over the last two years had God whispered, “Be still” and I had rushed ahead, ignoring the details?
How many times did my control-freak nature demand to DO SOMETHING instead of waiting and prayerfully seeking God’s will? I expected answers/solutions and I wanted them yesterday!
STEP THREE: Highlight the cracks
Once the pieces were back in place (or close to it), I used a fine paintbrush to drag lacquer over the cracks.
While the glue was still wet, I dusted the seams with gold powder, gently pressing it into the valleys with a paintbrush.
The truth came to me through a song:
I’ve walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I’ve felt the pain of heartbreak
And I’ve seen the brighter days
And I’ve prayed prayers to heaven from my lowest place
And I have held Your blessings
God, you give and take awayNo matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I’m standing in Your loveOn the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I’m standing on the mountain, I didn’t get there on my own
When I’m walking through the valley I know I am not alone!
You’re God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!
Those deep places where I felt my heart was ripped apart, God was still there.
Even if I didn’t seek Him because my emotions were high and my flesh was turned inward. Because I wanted to solve the situation myself. Because I thought He wouldn’t be interested.
God was willing to carry my burdens.
STEP FOUR: Wipe the dust away
When the plate was caked with extra gold powder, it was hard to see the beauty under the excess. Regardless of the value gold has, too much is just too much.
But as I gently wiped away the dust, I could see the difference kintsugi had made in my plate.
Some might look at it and think, “Oh how sad! She broke a plate.” The character developed from the ribbons of gold might be lost to them.
Perspective is everything.
And having passed through two of the most difficult years in my life, I can stand and look back. I don’t understand everything that happened. I cannot see what God was doing. Perhaps I will never see what God was doing.
But God is working.
Maybe this lesson is the reason why I needed to be so broken. Maybe the last two years were awful because that is what it took for God to get my attention. For me to hear Him say:
My Beloved. I might break you. But I will not leave you. Your story will bring me glory. Others will look at your scars and say, “How great is her God! The One who brought her by His grace through oppression and grief to prosperity and joy! Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
My value is not in who I am, what I own, or what others think of me.
My value is the grace with which God holds me together. The story that He tells others through my broken places. The way I share of His goodness with others as He inlays my cracks with gold.
In Him, I am complete. In Him, I am beautiful.
To God be the glory.
Wow! Your plate is beautiful and how many lessons we learned from it. Glory be to God! Without Him I am nothing.
Blessings, Moyra
Thank you, Moyra. Yes, God is everything. Without Him, I’m just a busted plate.
Thanks for taking the time out to write this beautiful story of revelation and faith, it was so beautifully written. I’m sorry it has been difficult for you these past two years. You seemed to learn a beautiful lesson from it, thank you for sharing it with us.
Yes, Suzanne, I’ve learned a tremendous amount from the last two years. God is so faithful. He refused to let me go.
What a beautiful, inspiring post. After a year of difficult losses, at times I thought it would never end. I thought I was alone. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I realized that God was walking with me every step of the way. I pray that you you have found peace.
((hugs)) to you, Pam. Thank you for your friendship and encouragement!
This is beautiful! What a tangible reminder of God being THERE, and ready to rebuild us stronger than ever. Thank you for sharing your story.
It is my pleasure to share so that others can avoid my mistakes. And yes, I need the plate as a visual reminder. God holds me together. Who knew it would be such a perfect illustration?
Wow…thank you so much for sharing this. I lost a baby this past March, and to be honest, I’ve been very angry. At God. It has felt like He betrayed me. I know that’s not the case, but it’s been very difficult to see otherwise. Your story really touched me. Thank you for being willing to share this.
Wendy, I am so sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child so I cannot fathom the pain you feel but God understands. He lost His son. Praying that you would be able to lean into God and realize how much He loves you today. BIG ((hugs))
Thank you for sharing. Your story reminding me of my own. The Lord called home the matriarch of our family the day after she celebrated her birthday (94 years young) at the end of 2016 and months after that (in the year 2017) 3 other relatives entered into glory as well. I sensed God’s presence with me during these times and I too have learned how to praise and worship Him even when troubles come my way. I was at a point before not realizing how valuable we are to God and He doesn’t betray us, but we betray him since we think we know more than Him and could fix anything better than He can. Boy, are we wrong! Be encouraged. God loves you even when you’re broken in your soul. Pray for me as I will pray for you.
Shonea! You are so right! I’m always trying to prove to God that I know what is best. How crazy! To think that I – in my flawed humanness – could ever know better than the One who holds time in His hands. Thank you for your encouragement. Praying for you today!
This is the first I’ve ever heard of this philosophy, but how beautiful! Praying your 2018 is full of healing and blessings.
Thank you for your prayers, Linda. They are welcomed here.
Thank you for sharing your brokenness. I, too, have had a rough couple of years. I seem to have similar feelings as you, wanting to fix things myself.
I remember Christmas 2016, I was very depressed about not being able to see our grandson (and a new baby coming) and a strained relationship with our daughter, plus had 2 close losses in the family- 1 being my father. I was VERY down. And what got me thinking differently is only known by God! I have a joy in my heart even though there is still difficulty in many areas in my life.
Prayers for a better year ahead for you. Thank you again for sharing!
JOY is the word God gave me for 2018, Lisa! I want His joy to fill my heart so that no matter what the day brings, I can praise Him. Thank you for giving me hope.
What a lovely post. Thank you Tabitha. I’ll endeavour to share it at an appropriate time.
Thank you, Philippa. I would appreciate the shares very much as I hope these words can encourage others.
Loved reading this post and wishing you many blessings in 2018!
Thank you, my friend! I appreciate you!
This was/is a beautiful message & I am glad that I took the time to read it, now I will be taking the time to share it. I have a friend who is broken & suffering through a lot of losses of loved ones, in an extremely short amount of time. I think this could be of some help to her as she continues to mourn for the losses & as she struggles to find her way back up through the depths of the despair she’s found herself in.
This has touched me, as I have been broken for many many years & even though I am out of the quagmire of despair, I still have moments. for me, its been 22 1/2 yrs of some kind of pain & misery, I don’t think heartache quite covers it, even remotely. Lies, broken promises, vows, trust, love, world filled with anger, emotional abuse, mental abuse. When your world revolves around your spouse (& kids) & your spouse destroys everything you held sacred in your marriage (by having more affairs than you can count anymore, accusing you of having affairs, blaming you because his child almost destroys your family & risks having your kids taken away because of their selfishness, they don’t support you. Just so much pain & turmoil that you now suffer from PTSD & severe anxiety issues.
Your so broken that you fear that you’ll never heal, you’ll never feel love, want love or want to give love, fear that you’ll never trust again, never be intimate again…with your spouse or someone else if you don’t stay together.
I wish I could physically glue my heart & cover it with gold…..But I look forward to working on this to learn more & maybe find a way to glue the pieces back together completely.
Thank you
I am so very sorry for the struggles you have suffered. What pain I hear in your words! I know that if they have touched my soul that God is even more concerned. But take heart. God isn’t finished with you yet. Learn to lean into Him. Allow Him to wrap His arms around you and love on you. He will never betray you. Praying that He would mend your cracks with His grace.
Thank you so much for posting this, sounds so much like my journey. Lost my husband VERY unexpectedly on Dec. 22, 2015 then in 2016, I had one of the worst years ever learning a new way of life and on Jan. 24, 2017 went to doctor for first time in MANY years and learned I have BP issues and was diabetic. Doctor is thinking all the medical issues stem from the year of depression, inactivity and lots of worry. I have no insurance so financial concerns also with medical issues, but hey nothing to worry about according to my doctor, I just need to learn to STOP worrying. But my Lord and Savior has and will see me through this journey.
“Stop worrying.” It sounds so easy when the doctor says it. Right, Diane? I’m sorry for your loss. Depression is so horrid. But, I promise you, God is faithful. He is so much bigger than the box we try to put Him in. Send you BIG ((hugs)).
Thank you for sharing this! God is amazing, making all things beautiful — including us– when we seek him! I feel like “broken” has been the theme of my whole 46 years of life. I have always been convinced that I am the most broken person, and for years I kept asking God to “fix” me so He could better use me and I’d be more lovable and valuable. But God is teaching me that we are all broken, and I don’t need to be fixed to be useable or valuable. It took me a long time to know and (begin to) understand my value in Christ, to know that He holds me together just enough to let light into the cracks for people to see Him in me!
2 Corinthians 4: 6- 7 “For God who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God, and not to us.”
Amen, Marcia. I am only beginning to understand what it means to be God’s beloved. I’ve always struggled to feel loved. Thank you for your encouragement. May God use your cracks in mighty ways to bring Him glory!
You’ve no idea how much this describes my own experience until you read this: thank you. I lost my spouse suddenly on December 22, 2015, and 2016 was one of the darkest years of my life as I adjusted to my new normal. On January 24, 2017, I went to the doctor for the first time in many years and found out I have high blood pressure and am diabetic. The doctor suspects that all of the patient’s health problems arise from the previous year’s bouts of sadness, lack of exercise, and excessive fretting. The lack of health insurance has made me anxious about paying for medical care out of pocket, but my doctor assures me that I need only stop worrying. But the Lord Jesus Christ has and will continue to carry me.
If you don’t stay together, you’re so damaged that you think you’ll never mend, feel love, want love, or want to give love; you fear you’ll never trust again; you fear you’ll never be intimate again—with your spouse or someone else.
I wish I could physically plaster gold over my heart to make it shine.But I’m looking forward to working on this to learn more and perhaps discover a way to fully reassemble the puzzle.