Mommy Rage Recovery (Part 2) ~ Quick-Start Steps

Share & Help Me Grow

This is PART TWO of a four part series. If you missed Part One, I encourage you to go back and read the beginning, My Anger Story.

In the midst of living the daily battle with rage, I wanted a way to change my reactions as quickly as possible. I would beg God daily to change me, hoping for an instant cure, but I had to invest a lot of effort to prove I was willing to be changed.

While this process took months, I want to share with you the quick-start steps that put me on track for overcoming the emotional roller coaster that was ruining my life and my family.

Step One ~ Get real with yourself and your family

My first step to overcoming the rage was to be totally honest with myself.

Flying off the handle into an absolute rage without warning is not normal. This was not how I wanted to be, but I had to embrace the ugliness of everything I was in order to open the wound. I prayed… more like PLEADED with God… to open my eyes, to scrape away the scab, and to bring a complete healing.

Then, I had a heart-to-heart with my husband. I told him that if I did not get better I wanted him to divorce me and to find a kind woman to raise my child. And I meant every word. But, Bill refused and we became a stronger team as he rallied with me to support the metamorphosis that needed to occur in my life.

I remember that conversation so vividly. The admission that I could not provide my family with a healthy, nurturing environment was so completely painful that I cannot even put it into words, and this conversation will not be easy for you, but you need to verbalize your desperation.

Step Two ~ Seek professional help

Without my husband’s encouragement, I would have never went to see a counselor. Investing money in myself has never been a priority. As a matter of fact, I have always viewed spending money on myself as wasteful. However, this is an investment in your family’s future.

While I am not exactly sure why I was so apprehensive about going to see a professional, I think I was afraid that by admitting I could not keep my temper, I would risk the government stepping in and taking my family away. So, when I went to see the therapist, I was a complete bundle of nerves.

The counselor was so kind and compassionate. I could tell that my story was not the first of its kind that she had heard. My struggle with rage was not uncommon to mothers… it just isn’t talked about.

We discussed my family history and how that had shaped who I was and then the counselor recommended I try an anti-depressant. I was resistant to medication for a long time but after a few months of continuing to struggle with rage, I consulted my personal physician who prescribed Zoloft.

Truly, this medication changed my life. I have been on it for almost six years. While the Zoloft does not totally eliminate my angry tendencies, the medication definitely helps regulate my mood swings and settles my brain so I can think a little clearer.

Step Three ~ Learn as much as possible

Multiple trips to the therapist were not an option for our budget. So, I went on a search for information and found several books helpful. The more I read, the more I seemed to understand what was going on inside of me and how that erupted in those crucial moments.

From all that I read, these are the books from which I learned the most, and I highly recommend them. Check your local library and see if they are available or pick them up at Amazon.com.

The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents

This book is my top pick. If you can only afford to purchase one, make it The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents. The blend between Biblical and psychological wisdom helps you identify why you are angry and how to release the unhealthy habits.

Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool

I cannot tell you how many times I blamed my children for my anger. Screamfree Parenting opened my eyes to the fact that I was losing control and had no one to blame but myself.

She’s Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger

In She’s Gonna Blow!, I was very encouraged by the author’s honesty. Through her recollections, I was able to see myself and the impact my outbursts were having on my family. The only thing I did not like about this book was the constant comparisons to a volcano… but, the analogy fits perfectly.

Several readers have recommended Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotionsby Lysa TerKeurst. I hope to read it soon.

Do you have a book recommendation to share?

More from this series ~

Part One: My Anger Story
Part Three: Learning to Relax
Part Four: The Power to Recover
FAQ

Comments

Nicole says

September 10, 2012 at 7:28 am

Thank your for the list of books. I have already looked at them all on Amazon and I want them all! I really want to read Scream Free Parenting. My kids have been conditioned t hat they can not listen until I yell. I don’t want to yell to make them listen. It is my fault they are like that. I am lucky that in public they do a pretty good job listening (I must have done something right there).

- Penny says
  
  September 10, 2012 at 10:53 am
  
  What is the difference between our public and private lives? Why do our children behave in public and not at home? I’ve wondered about that. In our family, I think the difference is the way I treat them in public. I don’t raise my voice (unless there is imminent danger) and I warn them before we get out of the car. Bill has us in the habit of asking the children, “Before we go in, tell me what some good manners would look like while we are here.” Maybe if I started my day that same way, I would see a difference because they would know what I expect our day to look like. ???
  
  - Nicole says
    
    September 10, 2012 at 11:09 am
    
    I think for me it is that I am consistent with my expectations of behavior, and stop what I will not tolerate before it has a real chance to get out of hand in public. At home I find myself feeling sorry for myself or just frustrated and overwhelmed. At home I am less consistent. I find myself saying just a minute, let me finish this, can’t you see I’m doing something (not proud of that one), or simply not wanting to deal with it. I think a lot of my rage comes me from letting the kids get to out of control, or just letting my frustration build up so that a little insignificant thing will send me over the edge.
    
    - Stephanie says
      
      September 10, 2012 at 11:58 am
      
      Oh, Nicole! Please don’t say that you aren’t proud of telling your kids that you are doing something else! I truly believe that we need to teach our kids that there is a time & place for everything. They need to learn that they cannot always get what they want exactly when they want it. My husband has been trying to get me to stop dropping everything each time one of my kids asks. When he brought up adult situations and how we don’t and can’t expect others to act immediately each time, I had to admit that he was right. It’s very difficult for me and I am working on finding ways to get them to learn this.
      
      - Nicole says
        
        September 10, 2012 at 12:28 pm
        
        That is a good point. I think for me part of it is the tone I use, or my choice of words. A better way I am working on is “I am in the middle this right now, but if you give me 5 minutes I can help you.” I agree that kids need to learn to respect when other people are busy, but all to often I snap at them rather than use a kind voice that I would rather hear.
SusanW says

September 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Pristiq is what helped me to be calm enough to see what is going on in my mind and slow down my mouth. My family can see a big difference. My upbringing was similar to yours (I read the first post you made) and I have suffered with deep guilt about my anger. All the self-help books, prayer, seeing a counselor was not helping–it was just adding to the guilt (“I’m not good enough for God to heal me, or “I’m not worthy of being healed).. Sometimes medication is necessary.

- Sane' says
  
  September 19, 2012 at 9:38 pm
  
  Darn. I thought I was the only took-for-granted, oh-well-she will get over it, girl. Now I see the population of my peers is equalizing. I am happy that women that were neglected, abused,e and generally treated like crap, women have a place to talk.
  
Michele G. says

December 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Just ordered the Scream Free parenting, and the workbook too, from Amazon.com. I was feeling so guilty, thinking I was a horrible mother for raising my voice (VERY loud, most times!) at my precious children. Thank you for sharing 🙂

- Penny says
  
  December 19, 2012 at 7:54 pm
  
  I am so glad that I could help, Michele. God bless you.