This is PART FOUR of a four part series. If you missed Part One, I encourage you to go back and read the beginning, My Anger Story.
Even if you feel completely powerless to overcome your anger management problem, I want you to know that there is hope.
The feeling
Do you feel like a failure? Have you wondered if the damage done to your children during your bouts of rage is permanent? Has the fear and guilt choked you? Stifled your creativity? Smothered you with regret?
None of the emotions related to an anger management problem are nice. From the rolling anger that builds inside to the guilt-release after you have yelled nasty things and slammed doors… not a moment of a rage episode makes you feel good inside. So, why do we do it? Is it an addiction? I don’t think so.
I personally believe that our rage is a habit. Whether we were victimized or just developed this pattern because of the craving for control over that which we cannot control, we are stuck in a rut.
The rut
Have you ever traveled a dirt road? What about a wet, dirt road?
During a rainstorm, dirt roads can become very slick. The mud squishes beneath the tires, forming a path. As more and more traffic progresses down this wet, dirt road, the grooves begin to deepen. Then, the clouds part and the sun shines bright, drying the road and creating permanent ruts.
When you are driving down this road and the tires of your car slip into the grooves, sometimes it can be difficult to steer a way out of the path. You are literally stuck in a rut.
Your anger can be like a dirt road. When the storm comes and you travel that path of rage over and over again, the habit presses deeper and deeper into your mind. The response to blow up becomes natural and you find yourself just following the path because breaking out of the rut is just too hard.
How can you overcome this pattern? Think about that dirt road again… In order for the road to be smooth, the county has to send a crew to resurface the road with a special machine. How does this apply to you? You need some Power equipment.
God’s help
Whatever your beliefs are about God, I want you to know that I could not be recovering from rage without Him. I had to open up the ugliest parts of me before Him and be willing to allow Him to change me. Praying for change was not enough. I had to make the effort to change, and as I did, He released the Power.
Here is what I recommend that you do to overcome rage:
- Seek to put God first. If you have never surrendered your heart to God’s forgiveness, pray and tell Him that you have messed up but believe that He can change you. Invite Him to come into your life.
- Commit Scripture to memory and quote it out loud. Tell the devil that you are MORE than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:37) All things are possible through God’s help. (Matthew 19:26) I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Phil 4:13) My help comes from the Lord. (Psalm 121)
- Do a Bible study on how God rescued His people. God will rescue you the same way. Keep a journal of all you learn and write Scripture on index cards. Plaster them at eye-level all over your home.
- Walk through your home and pray in every room out loud. Invite God into every nook and cranny. I asked Him to even fill the fibers of our carpet.
- Spend time with God daily. Make time in your Bible and on your knees part of your day. Seriously, my time with God is like a daily dose of Power.
- Stop and pray. When the stress level rises and before you blow up, just bow your head and pray. Even last week, my children were driving me to the edge of insanity and I was fully prepared to jump. Instead, I dropped my head to the table and prayed out loud. My children grew extremely quiet and listened. And you know the coolest part? Later in the day when they were struggling, they imitated me, stopping in the middle of an argument to pray.
The lies
Do not listen to the voice in your head telling you that this will not work. Ignore the snide comments about how you have tried some of this before. Dismiss the shrill taunting that says you are a bad mother or a failure. That might sound like your voice but it is NOT.
Satan is a deceiver and he will talk to you through your own voice and the voices of your past to try to convince you that you will always be like this. He will try to make you feel hopeless but HE IS A LIAR. Tell him to shut-up and remind him of where he will spend eternity. He does not want you to succeed. He wants you to be helpless to your anger. He wants you to feel defeated. He wants control of your home and your children and your life. He wants to KILL YOU.
Are you going to listen to him? NO! I pray… from the very inmost of my being… that from this day forward, the only voice you hear in your head is that of Almighty God.
Also, if you are like me, you will have moments when you feel like you have done too much damage to your child. The situation is too far gone. Blah, blah, blah. Again, those thoughts are not from God. Every bit of it is a lie.
Believe this: There is no mistake we can make as parents that will place our children outside of God’s grace.
Rachael Carman is a wonderful lady and in her book, How to Have a HEART for Your Kids, she says: “God is faithful and I am confident that He will do His perfect work through my imperfect parenting.” Amen.
Stay focused on the truth:
God’s plan is to give you a hope and a future. God created a good work in you and will be faithful to complete it. God will never give up on you.
I am sending love to you, my sisters struggling to recover. I know the battle you face, but the victory is ahead.
Next week, I will be answering the frequent questions I have received from readers as we walked through this series. If you have a question, please leave it in the comments or email me.
More from this series ~
Part One: My Anger Story
Part Two: Quick-Start Steps
Part Three: Learning to Relax
FAQ
Thank you, Penny. For your honesty. your vulnerability. the grace you are eager to share at any cost. It has impact. You are motivating and encouraging people (including me) to put one foot in the rut and refuse to move forward without repair/restoration. Thank you.
Praying for you today, Jaime, that God’s power would be real to you! Thank you for your encouragement.
Wow!!! Thank you for this!! I have been awreck lately because of financial issues and have been pretty snappy to everyone around me. But my kids have uncondtional love. It’s amazing sometimes.
Children are so resilient but they absorb so much. I pray that the issues you are facing will ease and God will bring you the peace you need to manage your emotions. {{HUGS}}
Loved how your children imitated your prayer. What a great example for them to follow since they are watching! Thanks for sharing. Though I don’t blow up, I trap it inside and become quiet. My response is not godly either, so I needed the encouragement to prayer ALOUD. I pray quietly, but my kids don’t hear it or see it. Thanks! I needed this post.
I am so glad that this post was helpful to you, Tracy. I honestly did not even think about the impact my prayer was having on my children until later when they were praying over problems. It really helped affirm me that I am progressing in the right direction.
Good stuff, Mama! I struggle SO MUCH with feeling like a failure. Oh, how you hit a nerve! I was stuck in a rut all last week and I just felt myself sinking down and I could NOT pull myself out of it! It was totally a conscious decision this weekend that I need to take care of the basics – eating, vitamins, sleep – why is that SO HARD?…and not wallow in a self-pity party. And you know what? I hadn’t been making time to read my Bible last week. Hmmm. Thank you so much for this series!
I am soooo guilty of not taking care of myself. I hate taking vitamins. I skip breakfast. I never exercise. I rarely sleep through the night. And all of that makes a HUGE difference in my mental and physical condition. Maybe we think that we are saving time by not doing those things? I’m not sure, but I understand your comment completely. Thank you, Jenny Anne, for the encouragement. 🙂
I’ve been taking B complex, evening primrose oil, and a multi for a few years. Everyone can tell when I skip it. My mood does a nosedive! I’m terrible about breakfast. I try to make it for the kids, but thank God the girls are good at making it now for everyone! I don’t drink water (sweet tea is made with water, amen?) I rarely exercise. I never go to doctors. Is that mole cancerous? egads! Girlfriend, we should have a conference just for weary mommies! Want to come to my house? There will be dishes in the sink and the ceiling fan has dustbombs. 😉
So glad to know that my weird is NORMAL. LOL Maybe we should all plan to meet at on of Apologia’s Real Refreshment Retreats. I want to go to Atlanta.
I’m FROM Atlanta. My whole family is still there. That would be awesome! I will pray and if God would make a way. I would love it.
Oh how wonderful that you are willing to share your struggles. It’s obvious you are ministering to many others (I’ve read your other posts as well!). Every sinner has a past…every saint has a future…and a hope, as the verse you quoted from Jeremiah 29! God doesn’t waste anything and He surely blesses us when we become transparent and allow the Light to be shined on the darkness of our sins. I know God has done wonderful things in your heart Penny and He’s using you in great ways. May He continue to bless you and use you to reach deep into the hearts of others who are walking in the shoes where you have walked. Is it any wonder they call it AMAZING grace???? His mercies fail not…they are new every morning. Sweet Blessings on you in this endeavor to reach out to others. XO
AMEN, Marsha! Your words are such a blessing. Scripture is such a comfort to a sinner like me. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this! I really needed to read all of what you’ve written! I appreciate all your honesty so very much! Some days are so great for me and some are so horrible I’m grateful that now I know I’m not alone and I have somewhere to start! Every one of your entries felt like I was reading about myself, thank you again!
I am really glad that I found this series. I too was brought up in a house where anger was the predominate emotion and was allowed free reign. There was emotion, verbally and physical abuse. Now that I am a parent of a very strong willed 9 year old boy, I find that i too get angry and yell, saying things that I am not proud of. I am thankful that I am not alone in the world and already have the books you mentioned earlier in the series on hold at my local library.
Thanks again and I am so happy I found your blog! I am off to peek around some more.
GiGi
GiGi, I am so glad that you could find some encouragement here. Please know that you are not alone in your plight. God is battling with you. May you be blessed as you seek to put your anger under His control. 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement. I really will follow your plan. I want more peaceful days!!