True Tales ~ My “Hey Ugly” Moment

A few nights before I went to the Titus 2:1 Conference, I was having an emotional breakdown. Someone I love had hurt my feelings in a situation where I was trying to make everyone happy. Obviously, from the reply I received, I had failed. The voice in my head was having a party, and the words poured out through my fingers.

The very first speaker at conference was Rachel from Finding Joy. She wasn’t scheduled to speak and served as a last-minute  substitute… but for me, she was anything but a substitute. God was using her to speak directly to my broken heart. This was a divine appointment.

Rachel shared how one moment of careless, thoughtless words had changed her perception of who she was. As an eleven year old girl, teenage boys taunted her, spouting off “Hey Ugly” as they passed by her in a store, and instantly warped her self-esteem. (Read the entire story on her blog.)

I can relate so completely to her story.

My FIRST “Hey Ugly” moment was when I was in the sixth grade, the hardest year of my life. I was a fragile, emotional preteen.

One day at school, I was wearing a pair of Chic jeans. We were lining up to go into the school after recess, and the boy behind me said, “You are not pretty enough to wear Chic jeans. Only so-and-so (the prettiest girl in the 6th grade) can wear Chic jeans.”  My heart was broken. I just wanted to be loved and accepted, but here was this guy that said I didn’t measure up.

My life became a spiral of self-depreciation. I experimented with bulimia, binge and purge. I hated myself so much that I would bang my wrist against the doorjamb, and I actually broke my wrist by doing so. I would push and pull at my face and my thighs, trying to change the way I looked. My low self-esteem was obvious to anyone who dared to come close. My family tried to be an encouragement, and despite their best attempts, some of them just made me feel worse. (There are members of my extended family who have never been very good in the compliments department.)

Several years later, I remember another moment. I was a sophomore in high school and suffered from terrible acne… still struggle with it with thanks to my genes. A group of my “friends” and I were sitting in homeroom and someone cracked a joke at the expense of one of the other guys. I laughed. The guy who was the blunt of the joke looked at me and said, “Shut up or I am going to hit you so hard that I will pop every zit on your face.” I had to bite my tongue to keep from crying.

Over and over again, I was the target of hurtful words and actions but help was coming.

In my mind, all of the hurts from my past would disappear if I could find a guy to love me, but I was never involved in a steady dating relationship. I tried so hard to be perfect, volunteering at church and striving to be appreciated. All the while, the voices in my head rang loud and strong.

not pretty enough

When I reached college, I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted. One night, I sat in a church service and heard a familiar story. The woman caught in adultery, tossed at Jesus’ feet, accused of imperfection. But, despite her flaws, Jesus thought she was lovely, loveable, worthy of love.

My world crashed down. I had built a sand castle of effort when all Jesus wanted was my life. I sought perfection that could never be attained. I sought a love that could never satisfy.

Surely, if Jesus could love this woman…

I submitted my life to Jesus that night, asking Him to forgive me or my sins and to save me.

While there are still moments when I struggle with perfectionism and the voices in my head try to shout at me and distract me, I can focus on the truth.

Jesus loves me.

Jesus accepts me.

Jesus sees me as beautiful.

No other voice should matter.

²⁷ My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. ²⁸ And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.

~ John 10

What lies are the voices telling you?